Best of Craigslist

Best of Craigslist http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best postings from craigslist.org, selected by readers en-us Copyright 2008, craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org webmaster@craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ Best of Craigslist Collection 2008-08-05T14:25:01-07:00 2 daily Thanks to Homeless Dude that crashed in our RV http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/784448284.html Seriously man, thanks. You crashed in my girlfriend's RV for a night or two, maybe more. Thanks for not fucking it up. But really man. It means something to us that you were able to find a warm, quiet place to sleep for a bit and that she was able to provide it. Thanks for not breaking anything to get inside. It's an old RV and finding parts could've been a pain in the ass. I really didn't want to spend a day replacing the passenger side window to a '75 Chevy RV. I wouldn't even know how to replace or patch up that old Sears Aluminum siding had you ripped the flimsy ass lock or used a screwdriver to get in. Plus, i just don't think alot more money should be sunk into it. Thanks for not stinking it up. I mean, even if the boxers that were hanging from the curtain and the cabinet were a bit sketch, you still did a great job at not stenching the place out. No harm, no foul I say. Also, thanks for having the human decency of not using the toilet in the RV and thus avoiding the smell of feces. Thanks for not throwing a party in there. Sure the RV is some pretty cool digs to have some friends over and rock-out, but we are so appreciative all the carpet is left unstained; no used needles floating around in a sink-ful of vomit; and no weird stains on the upholstry. Thanks for keeping it to yourself and keeping it tidy and relatively untouched...this is huge man, huge. Seriously, though- what'd you think of the interior? Pretty cool, eh? My girlfriend painted it; sewed and installed all the fabric coverings and curtains; and cleaned it all up. Yeah, she's rad.....(and you should see my girlfriend!) She's looking to sell it after Burning Man- so who know's- maybe you are ready to rock that style?!!! We didn't want to move your things out, but we kinda needed you to not be in there at the same time, you know? So, we put your black bag, sleeping bag, and dirty ass boxers along the fence next to the RV. Sorry man. I hope poeple don't take your shit. Really. This is Berkeley and anything not bolted down to your house is taken quickly. Don't even worry about the old-ass bologna, american cheese slices (which maintained format, size and consistency), penicillined-out cheddar, and milky-way bite size (snacks????) things, that created an onslaught of swarming ants into the old, PRISTINE fridge. It really wasn't that bad of a cleanup. Tip: ants die when sprayed with Method all purpose (non-toxic and biodegradable)spray. [sorry Gabbie, don't think it was Kosher though...my bad] Again man, thanks- sorry to have to kick you out! sam and gabbie <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-05T14:25:01-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/784448284.html Thanks to Homeless Dude that crashed in our RV text MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. NO DATE REQUIRED. - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html ok. so i don't know really how to go about this. basically, i was your one night stand last night and need my most important idem of clothing back--&gt; my bra. so yes, i was totally fine with the fact that when i left this morning we didn't exchange phone numbers (or names...); no big deal. but once i got home and sobered up, i realized, that we maybe should have because i left my bra at your house. first off, i want to get something clear. this is no victoria secret-esq type bra. this is an imported good were talking about. princess tam tam-french lingerie. ok. specifics about you. (what i remember.) they are not going to be too specific because my friends are on this all the time and think i took a cab home last night. you are: 1) outrageously tall and good looking. 2) a commercial real estate broker from the san jose, but lives in the financial district in the city with an asian friend whom i believe, was celebrating his birthday. 3) going to slide saturday night. 4) really into golf, in fact went friday. 5) a fan of red gumm y bears. i am: 1) someone who obviously loves her underwear. 2) obsessed with french everything. 3) not really into children. something we have in common. 4) occasionally from time to time caught wearing my clothes inside out. 5) "anna"- (my name.) so, where to go from here. basically, i'm willing to do whatever it takes. i can come pick it up, you can mail it to me, i can just have you leave it outside your building at a certain agreed upon time. what ever. i hope to god you don't feel weird about this, because i don't. i obviously didn't leave it there on purpose. like i said, i'm not looking for you to take me out or call me. for god's sake, i'm resorting to craigslist for a grey bra. it's just a super cute one and i want it back. plus, it doesn't seem like you'll use it. you just didn't come off as that type. please people. if this is you, or sounds like someone you know who fits this "john doe" profile, please contact me. <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-08-02T11:10:28-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/780311954.html MY BRA- I'D LIKE IT BACK. NO DATE REQUIRED. - w4m text Manly Bike for Sale http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Bike for sale What kind of bike? I don't know, I'm not a bike scientist. What I am though is a manly guy looking to sell his bike. This bike is made out of metal and kick ass spokes. The back reflector was taken off, but if you think that deters me from riding at night, you're way wrong. I practiced ninja training in Japan's mount Fuji for 5 years and the first rule they teach about ninja biking is that back reflectors let the enemy know where you are. Not having a rear reflector is like saying "FUCK YOU CAR, JUST TRY AND FIND ME". The bike says Giant on the side because it's referring to my junk, but rest assured even if you have tiny junk that Giant advertisement is going to remain right where it is. I bought this bike for 300 dollars from a retired mercenary that fought in both World War 1 and World War 2 and had his right arm bitten off by a shark in the Phillipines while stationed there as a shark handler. When he sold it to me I had to arm wrestle him for the honor to buy it. I broke his arm in 7 places when I did. He was so impressed with me he offered me to be his son but I thought that was sissy shit so I said no way. The bike has some rusted screws, but that just shows how much of a bad ass you are. Everyone knows rusted screws on a bike means that you probably drove it underwater and that's bad ass in itself. Those screws can be replaced with shiny new ones, but if you're going to go to that trouble why not just punch yourself in the balls since you're probably a dickless lizard who doesn't like to look intimidating. The bike is for men because the seat is flat or some shit and not shaped like a dildo. If you like flat seated bikes you're going to love this thing because it doesn't try to penetrate your ass or anything. I've topped out at 75 miles per hour on this uphill but if you're just a regular man you'll probably top it out at 10 miles per hour. This thing is listed as a street bike which is man-code for bike tank. The bike has 7 speeds in total: Gear 1 - Sissy Gear Gear 2 - Less Sissy Gear Gear 3 - Least Sissy Gear Gear 4 - Boy Gear Gear 5 - Pre-teen Boy Gear Gear 6 - Manly Gear Gear 7 - Big Muscles Gear I only like gear 6 and 7 to be honest. Additionally, this tool of all immense men comes with a gigantic lock to keep it secure. The lock is the size of a bull's testicles and tells people you don't fuck around with locking up your bike tank. It tells would-be-thieves "Hey asshole, touch this bike and I'll appear from the bushes ready to club you with a two-by-four". Bike is for 150 OBO (and don't give me no panzy prices) <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-22T10:18:55-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/765370039.html Manly Bike for Sale text Develop software for a quantitative hedge fund http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html We are a quantitative hedge fund with offices in Palo Alto and on the East coast. We're looking for first-rank software developers to join our Palo Alto team. Candidates should have a PhD, Masters degree, or undergraduate degree in Computer Science, Mathematics, or a related field. The successful applicant will have experience in object-oriented programming, agile software development, and algorithm design and implementation. Knowledge of Java, financial mathematics, Unix-based systems, MATLAB, and relational database systems is a plus. This position offers a competitive base salary and bonus program. For immediate consideration please do the following: 1) Prepare a cover letter. 2) Flip a coin 50 times. Record the results on your resume as a sequence of heads (H) or tails (T) symbols. 3) Email your cover letter and resume to us. <ul> <li>Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster. <li>Please, no phone calls about this job! <li>Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-17T22:05:02-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/759613192.html Develop software for a quantitative hedge fund text Doormat seeks muddy boots http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Do you have a drinking problem? Do you believe your crappy childhood exempts you from having to be nice to other people? Is "enraged" the only emotion you are capable of feeling? Do you make twice as much as me, yet still need to borrow money a week after you get paid? If so, I am the lady for you! I'm a queer femme who enjoys being yelled at, ignored, and told what is best for me. I'm short, thin (maybe that will trigger your teenage eating disorder issues! Feel free to blame me!), and smart (unless you find that threatening! In which case I am not as smart as you!). I do have clinical depression, which I manage with medication and, ideally, a steady supply of judgment from you. I'm looking to continue along my current dating path with someone who is immature, unpleasant, and bad at listening. Bonus points if you: -fetishize my mixed-race background, use it to impress your liberal white friends, and know exactly what "my people" are doing wrong -make "ironic" racist jokes -are a spoiled-ass mama's boy -have no friends of your own, preferring to use me for all of your emotional needs (if you must have your own friends, I would rather you use them to cheat on me and/or commiserate about what a terrible girlfriend I am) -hate fat people (although I am not fat myself, I love it when people rip on my friends and expect me to agree because of my genetics) -understand that being an asshole and apologizing for it later is exactly the same as not being an asshole in the first place -use "non-normatively gendered" as a synonym for "teeming with internalized misogyny" Hopefully we can build a lasting relationship and maybe move in together so that you can decorate the apartment with old beer cans filled with cigarette butts and containers of half-eaten takeout food covered in fruit flies. Don't worry, I'll clean up after you. I'd prefer if you are white and middle-class so you can lord it over me all the time. Physical age unimportant as long as you are emotionally 9 years old. Your pic gets mine!!! <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-10T12:20:19-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/749878367.html Doormat seeks muddy boots text GAP JEAN MINI SKIRT, size 1, FREE http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html maybe it was the scorching hot weather in the mission today, or the 2 huge canvas bags and one plastic full of perishing groceries that i was lugging down folsom st with the sound of jack hammers ruthlessly invading the only spare sensory space that i had left in my being, or the gross men making comments and staring me down like a bunch of motherf*&#king animals or maybe it was the fact that the skirt rides up when i am walking fast and not fixing it every 15 steps because i don't have the hips to keep it in place, i never have and never will, only reminding me of the awkward preteen years in middle school, or maybe it was the fact that it has no back pockets and meager front pockets that slowly edge any contents as i walk flinging my grocery list pen on the ground for me to have to bend over to get with a crap load of swinging bags of groceries or maybe i was just tired of all the b.s. when i made the decision, but regardless of the circumstances surrounding my choice to end my relationship with my Gap, size 1,basic jean mini skirt, it is truly over and UP FOR GRABS to the first taker. <img src="748763960.jpg"> <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-07-09T14:50:07-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/748763960.html GAP JEAN MINI SKIRT, size 1, FREE text He's Out of My Life http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/738732197.html When I met Mr. Coffee, nobody told me Id be changing his diaper every single day just so that I could get my buzz on! It has become all part of the daily grind, after he burps out the final drops of the days brew. I feel that doing it 2x a day is an excessive interruption while I prepare my TPS reports for the next days meeting. I will confess to being a part-time Caffiend and part-time gadgetaholic. Mr. Coffee has been served an eviction notice, as I have already purchased and installed a programmable coffee maker + the requisite webcam to identify the person in our office who pours a full cup and leaves about a quarter inch of coffee in the pot --- without making a fresh one for everyone to share. So, off you go, Mr. Coffee: to Whomever wishes to adopt you, the paperwork has already been completed on your behalf. Simply give him a ride back to your place. Hes already trained and well-seasoned for tomorrows coffee shift. He's had no surgery to date. Hes thumbing a ride near the front door of the Capitola DMV. Ill miss you, Mr. Coffee. And, I never even knew your first name <ul> <li>it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-30T21:21:16-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/738732197.html He's Out of My Life text RAVE: My Life Since Getting Out of Prison http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/734069587.html I graduated from college in May, and this summer seemed like a good time to go through the box of papers and assignments I had been saving since the start, both to reminisce and to do a little cleanup. Tucked in a folder of an old notebook at the very bottom of the box was the essay that follows. Written in longhand, it was the first assignment from the first class in my first semester. *********************************************************** <tt> January 20, 2003 English 1A Professer ___________ <center>My Best Summer Memory</center> Hey man, Im not really sure if youre supposed to put an introduction in this thing, but here goes anyway. My name is ____________. My assignment today is to write an essay about the best thing that happened to me this last summer. I know everybodys been kinda looking at me in class, wondering why a dude in his thirties is taking English 1A instead of being out there working a job. Im not too keen on talking about myself much. Most folks arent, I guess, unless theyre Paris Hilton. But since the assignment is a personal essay I suppose I dont have much choice. Anyways the best thing that happened to me this last summer was when I finally got outta prison based on that DNA evidence. Ill tell you man, if you cant appreciate getting outta prison then you havent been there to begin with. For me it started about three years ago when this chick got murdered in East San Jose while opening up her plumbing supply shop. Me and Merle came by a couple weeks later to pick up some PVC for a sprinkler repair, and for some reason the dude behind the counter thought we was a little suspicious, so he called the cops. They put me in a line up, but of course the dude already knew what I looked like and what clothes I was wearing so it wasnt that tough to pick me out. Other than that there was no real evidence, but I didnt have an alibi and I had a couple drunk and disorderlies on my record back from when me and Merle used to fight each other for fun after closing time. They had it in their minds I was guilty, and they kept after me for two days, yelling and throwing stuff at me and telling me made-up stories about how Merle told them I did it. I always figured I was pretty tough but after awhile it just wore me down. I had to look at some pictures of death row and I got showed on my arm where the needles would go and everybody called me Dead Man Walking. They told me if I signed a confession I wouldnt get the death penalty and I had to think about that one pretty hard. The lawyer they assigned to me smelled like hed been pulling a cork during lunch and he fell asleep while they was questioning me. I knew I didnt do nothing but sometimes life just aint all fair, and this seemed like one of those times. So I signed. After the sentencing Merle sold my truck and moved all my stuff into storage for me, and promised me hed look after Mussel Shoals, my black lab. They sent me up to San Quentin, and when I got there, I was put in the section with the black dudes.I found out later thats what they do with new prisoners, except the blacks end up in the white section. I guess its to soften up the new inmates, I dunno. Whatever the reason it didnt take long for them to find this paleface. One day I turn around, and there they stood, the welcoming committee. It didnt take but one look to realize they werent there to bring me a fruit basket. I figured this was gonna be a test of me, find out if they could push me around, so I got a good shot in on the first one and broke his nose. Since it was four on one, I was looking at an ass-kickin for sure, so I didnt follow up on the others too much, to try and keep em from getting too mad. Well man, was I ever wrong about that. They got me face down, one on each arm and leg, then they got my pants down. About this time, right up till the last minute, I was thinking, this can't be happening to me. The dude whose nose I broke went first. I was heaving and twisting my body trying to get loose, but the others held me down good. He started to poke around and then forced himself in. I never in my life had anything hurt like that, man. Everything got all cloudy and I heard him call me his white bitch. Bits of snot and blood from his nose dripped down on the cement next to my head. Its the only time in my life I ever tried to talk to God. First I asked him why. Then I asked him to help me. And he never said a word. You know, the only thing worse than being shined on by God is having it happen at a time like that, man. But its just like the preachers say: you cant fool God. He knows why youre finally talking to him because you need help. So God never answered me, and I was on my own. And the only thing I wanted to do was to die. When he was done, he got up and kicked me in the head. That in a way was kind of a blessing, cause I don't remember anything that happened after that for awhile, and I'm pretty sure the rest of those dudes took their turns. A few weeks later, they came around again. I knew what was coming this time, and I didnt hold anything back. I popped three of em pretty good before they got me down and did me again. They got the better of me, no question, but I left them worse for wear. That was the first time I ever saw a black eye on a black dude. By this time I was hoping theyd think I just aint worth the trouble. There were plenty of others there that were easier pickins than me. But this wasn't about finding someone for sex, it was about breaking me down. So I got another visit from my new buddies. This time, they kinda formed a circle around me before moving in, and I could see in their eyes that some of them weren't really looking forward to this at all. Well man, welcome to the fuckin club. This time I ended up in the prison hospital and spent a couple weeks there. One day, I was laying there thinking about how much I hurt and wondering what a life sentence was gonna be like with this happening all the time, when one of the inmates working in the hospital starts talking to me and tells me about the Aryan Brotherhood and how I don't have to put up with the nee-grahs no more as long as I join up with em. And thats how I ended up with the tattoo of the swastika and WHITE POWER on my arm, right up there by the bicep. Well, time goes by and Im getting settled into the routine of prison life, and no one is messing with my behind no more now that Im in this white guy gang. Then from outta the blue I find out that that someone from the Pine Hills Youth Correctional Facility in Montana got religious and wrote a letter confessing to killing that chick. He was just a kid, only seventeen years old. Can you believe that? Well, no one at San Quentin did. No one takes you seriously when you tell em youre innocent, cause everybody in prison says theyre innocent. I didnt have the letter or anything, just what I heard, so no one gave a shiet. So I wrote to Merle, and he sent some dude from the Innocence Project to visit me. Next thing I know the prison doctor is scraping some skin from the inside of my mouth, and one day, just like that, they're walking me out the door and on my way. Course it didnt take more than five minutes to be up to my ass in ambulance chasers all wanting to help me sue the government for my troubles. Most of em didnt smell much different than the public defender, and I began to wonder if I was ever gonna get a lawyer who wasnt a fall-down drunk. The dudes at the Innocence Project gave me the name of some chick up in San Francisco to call. That was kinda far away for me, but she turned out to be a pretty good lawyer and didnt smell of booze either. She spent a lot of time yelling at the guys from the city, and let me tell you man, after listening to that I sure was glad she was working for me and not them. In the end, I got some money, not a lot, cause I wasn't in all that long and of course I didnt tell a soul about the other stuff, but it was enough to get my trailer and a good truck, and they also promised to pay for retraining which is why Im taking this class. Once I got all signed up for school and the dust settled down, I figured I better get rid of that tattoo. So I called up Merle and told him to come on over and give me a hand with it. We heated up a weeding tool in the barbeque, and I bit down on a little stick of wood while Merle burnt off the tattoo with the weeder. You know, I never stopped biting that stick, but when the flesh started to burn, I tried to push everything outta me like emptying a squeeze bottle of Heinz ketchup. All the shame, all the rage I was carrying around inside me since I got out. I just forced it all outta me and I guess I yelled a good deal, cause Merle was looking at me kinda funny when it was done. Merle's my best friend, and I figured maybe it was OK if I told him about it all, so I did. And when I was done, there was a long silence, then he kinda looked at me and asked in a quiet voice if I was gonna make him burn my bunghole too, and finish the job. That Merle, he's as dumb as a box of rocks, but he always finds a way to make me laugh. I never really took to queers in the first place but it aint cause of what happened to me when I was inside prison. I don't blame the blacks or the queers for it. That stuff really wasn't about color or sex; it was about power plays by cons who had to ditch their humanity in order to survive. Still, as everybody knows man, no matter how many times you squeeze the bottle, you can't get every last bit of ketchup out, and for me, I still had some bits of my experience I couldnt get outta my head. Sometimes, I'd be watching TV and just start to feel terribly sad and weak. Mussel Shoals was back with me by then, and he seemed to know something was wrong when I felt like that. He didn't know what, but hed always come on over anyway, and lick my hand and rest his head on my leg. I tell you man, I really love that dog. <img src="http://i282.photobucket.com/albums/kk252/mrhastyrib/ms-1.jpg" align="left"> It was real tough getting back in the saddle with the ladies after what happened to me in prison. Id always heard that if you so much as touched another guys privates you were queer for life, and although I was hoping that werent true, it was hard to think about sex without remembering all the bad stuff. Merle brought by some chick he was going out with who had a lady friend, and though she was nice and all I was kinda scared I wouldnt be able to deliver the goods and have to start explaining everything, so I had to pass. About a month after I bought my trailer, I met a nice chick at the park while out walking Mussel Shoals. She's about my age and pretty agreeable. Bettys her name. She has a dog, too, a female Dalmatian named Dotty. Mussel Shoals was OK with that, cause he aint prejudiced, and they got along just great. After we'd been going out for a few weeks it was my birthday, and she and Merle came over to my trailer and surprised me with a little cake. After I blew out the candles they said we could do anything I want, their treat. So we talked about it awhile and decided to spend the day out at Great America. Well I dont know if you been to Great America lately but they have this new feature which is a water park, and if you asked me that part alone is worth the price of admission. After we got in we headed on over there and changed our clothes in one of the little changing rooms they have nearby. While I was waiting for Betty to change (course chicks always take forever, took me and Merle about a minute and Betty about four hours) I struck up this conversation with this Filipino dude who was waiting behind me. He had a shirt on said hes a police officer, so of course I didnt mention anything about being in prison. Then one of the changing rooms opened up, not the one Betty was in (of course since she takes a million years) so I told the dude to go ahead of me since I had to wait for Betty anyway. He moved on into the room and then his son, who was maybe 3 or 4 years old, started following him, but he told the son to wait outside. So the kid kinda backstepped a ways without turning around and then reached up and took my hand, and I closed my hand around his and we stood there awhile like uncle and son. It was a great feeling man. I never got to do that with my dad, cause he passed out on some tracks and got all mashed up by a train when I was only six months old, and none of the dudes that Mom brought around after that ever stayed more than a couple days. I didnt really know what I was supposed to do, so I just stood there and tried not to squeeze his hand too hard. Pretty soon though I heard this laughing behind me, and its the kids mom. And I looked down at him, and hes looking over at her, and his forehead gets all crinkly, and he looks at his hand in mine, and you can see him sorta follow my arm all the way up to my shoulder and to my head. When he figured out I wasnt his mom, his eyes got real big and he yanked his hand away and scampered over to where she was sitting. Well by this time his mom is pretty much doubled over with laughter and she and I are talking, and of course Betty comes out right about then and sees me talking to this hot Filipino chick and gives me the stink eye. But it didnt take too long before Im the one who was upset cause Betty is wearing this string bikini top and let me tell you man, if I had charged a quarter a peek for a look at her tatas I would have made a fortune that day. Betty looks a lot like Salma Hayak (specially when she gets mad, which is all the time, Geez!) and she has a really nice rack. But you see man this is where chicks are really sneaky. Betty knew we was going to a water park and there'd be lots of chicks to look at and she didnt want me looking at em. So she wore her most revealing outfit cause she knew Id have to keep an eye on her. At a place like Great America there are tons of buff dudes walking around trying to grab your chick when youre distracted. So you got to keep your eye out every minute and that cuts into your time cruising the hotties. And speaking of that I think next time Im gonna tell Betty how much I enjoy checking out the babes while shes goofing around in the dressing room. That oughta speed her up. We had a great time and ate crummy food and I won a Spongebob doll for Betty at the pitching booth. Merle almost got in a fight with some dudes who stole a big doll from one of the other carnival booths but the rent-a-cops broke that one up before it started. Later he got sick after going on the Invertigo and we got to watch him puke in a trash can. That part wasnt so good, but after it got dark the fireworks started going off and Betty snuggled up to me real close and I forgot all about Merle, and we kinda lost him. It worked out OK though in the end. Merle called me later and told me that when he got out to the parking lot he ran into the same dudes he almost got in a fight with, and they ended up going out drinking and theyre his dawgs now. I never heard Merle call anyone that before, but he dont generally hang out with black dudes either. After the fireworks was done, Betty came back with me to my trailer, and we started watching American Idol. Well, one thing led to another and the next thing you know we was in bed getting ready to do the horizontal mambo. She was kinda nervous so I cracked a few jokes to relax her till she told me to shut up. I was nervous too, man. I was worried about maybe being queer, but besides even that, this was gonna be the first time for me since before I went to prison, and I was afraid I might be a little rusty. It was a night I think Im always gonna remember. First-time sex with a chick who's your girlfriend is always a big deal, specially if youre a guy. You get to see what she looks like naked, specially the boobs, and see what kind of funny noises she makes when she gets all excited. In spite of all my worrying, everything turned out OK. I guess sex is like being on a bicycle, you never forget how to ride. Still, it took Betty a long time to come that night, but thats probly cause she was busy with her own first-time sex thoughts. Chicks are funny about that. It's like the first time you take em out to dinner. They don't care about the dinner so much as not looking bad eating it, which usually means not eating much of it at all. Same thing with sex. The first time, they don't care so much about coming as much as they don't want to embarrass themselves. Next time though you better deliver, that is if you want there to be a third time. So we're laying there afterwards, her head on my shoulder, and just talking real soft about nothing in particular, when all of a sudden there's this big commotion and damn if Mussel Shoals wasn't trying to have sexual relations with Dotty. She didnt seem quite as interested as he was, but he stayed right on it, the two of em crashing into the walls and the bed and just going to town. I'll tell you, no one is gonna mistake ol Mussel Shoals for a 60 minute man, but seeing it was his first time and all, maybe he'll improve with practice. A bit later I was the only one awake, and I was laying there listening to the three of em making their sleep noises, and wishing I could get my arm loose somehow so I could get a glass of water without waking up Betty. But I just laid there listening to the sounds, and smelling the odors of the people sex and dog sex, and thinking about my life. I wanted to be an astronaut when I was a kid. I wanted to be a big success and fall in love with the prom queen and live in a four bedroom house with two kids and a Chevy just like white people do in the movies. It didnt take long to figure out that wasn't gonna happen, and things started to look real bad there for awhile like I just told you about, and much as I try to, Im probly never gonna forget how I got into prison and what happened to me there. But all and all, life really aint been so bad to me, man. Betty said she thinks I might make a good lawyer someday. I told her Ill be lucky to pass this class much less make it all the way to law school. But she thinks I can become a lawyer, not one like the city gives you that drinks his lunch, but someone who really helps people, maybe even get some other dudes outta prison that dont belong there either. She said everybody has a destiny in life, and mine is to help people to redeem their lives. How can you not love a chick who talks like that, specially about you? Come to think of it, the best thing that happened to me last summer was meeting Betty. I got me a good woman in that chick. I got someone to calm me down after I get cut off on the freeway by some dick, and to help me express my true feelings without cussin. Shes someone wholl open the aspirin bottle for me when I have a hangover, fake an orgasm when I really need her to, and maybe someday, God willing, remind me how many kids we have and what their names are. Guys don't give their chicks enough credit for this sorta stuff, and frankly you dudes out there reading this, if you are not making use of this kinda help then you are not getting full value outta your chick. Im gonna do my part too. Im gonna protect her, always. Im gonna hold her and pet her head and tell her everythings OK when shes feeling sad. Im gonna nod at her sympathetically while thinking, "Who fuckin cares?" while she bitches on and on about some other chick at work who looked at her the wrong way. Im gonna help her watch football with me, let her change my haircut and clothes all the time, and worry about all the big shiet so she has plenty of time for chick stuff like shopping and crying. It was a great summer, man. And Im looking forward to the rest of my life. </tt> ******************************************************** I got a D for this essay ("inappropriate content)", and a C-minus for the course. I was pretty discouraged, but Betty wouldn't let me quit. She said that this might not be my last chance to change my life, but it sure was going to be my best chance, and I should go all out. At the department graduation ceremonies in May, the entire faculty rose and applauded me as I walked up to get my diploma. And then before you know it, everyone else got up and joined in too, and Betty started bawling her eyes out. I was really embarrassed, but fortunately Merle was there, and he shouted "It's about fucking time!" to me, which cracked up everyone and got them back into their seats. In the fall, I'll start law school at Santa Clara University, on an Emery scholarship. Merle is a Precinct Captain for the Obama Campaign. Mussel Shoals went on to live a happy life with Dotty. When his hearing started to go, we noticed that she was helping him to understand when we gave him commands. One by one his parts started to wear out, and on December 24th of last year, my dearest friend licked my hand one last time and then slept away. I buried him on a short hill, next to a trail where I used to hike with him and Dotty. The view is beautiful, and when we visit, Dotty will lay next to him for as long as I am willing to stay. About three years ago my grades started to get very good and it looked like school would stick. I came home one night and told Betty that I thought things were getting better every year, year after year. She started crying and wouldn't tell me why. It took me a long time to figure it out, and when I did I felt pretty sheepish. I asked her, she answered yes, and nine months to the day of our wedding night, little Tina was born. She's as cute as a bug, and someday when she is old enough to learn about her old man's story, I will take this essay out of storage for her to read. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-26T19:03:16-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/734069587.html RAVE: My Life Since Getting Out of Prison text I was the girl your wife was going down on when you came home - w4m http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/726200477.html I don't know where else to post this. It seems like the most logical place. So, here we go: Me: intelligent, fun and stunning bisexual that has always kinda been around since I am the younger sister of the best friend. her: breathtakingly beautiful bisexual... your wife.... YOU: tall, funny, big-brother type who walked in on your wife going down on me when you came home from a long night. I would like to first off apologize for my reaction to you walking in. If I had known for sure that it was just you, I wouldn't have been so quick to cover up all my goodies. I am smart enough to realize that if your wife has been tasting it, it is only fair that you get to see it. Second, I would like to explain why there was no hand of welcome extended out to you: 1. I was supposed to have left to pick my brother up about 20 minutes before you walked in.(What can I say? I was sidetracked...) 2. you had a friend waiting for you in the livingroom. 3. you looked like you wanted to punch me in the face. Under normal circumstances I would have simply asked you if you wanted to join in.... to be honest, reason 2 wouldn't have stopped me, reason 1 was just a minor setback, and well.... reason 3 was the real deal-breaker on that one. Reason 3 explains why I quickly put on my pants, grabbed my purse, and left the house without saying goodbye to you. So, ok, things have cooled down a bit. Me and you are back to our normal retardedly witty banter, and since then me and your wife haven't done anything.... ok well.... we have had a few make-out sessions, and I may or may not have had my hand down her pants the other night.... but there has been no sex. (not for my lack of teasing-slash-trying... but I mean... you have seen your wife, and you know how awesome she is~can you really blame me?) I know she has been with other girls in the past, and it never bothered you before. But maybe it was because this time it was at home, and maybe it was because this time it was with me, and there are real feelings there, and it isn't just about the sex.... But I promise I am not trying to steal her away. I don't even want to make you fully share~our work schedules are as such that I can be with her while you are at work, and you don't have to miss any time with her at all!!! So please, please, please, PLEASE give her permission to be with me again. (....and again and again and again...) because, well... it is SO hard to find a girl[or guy]with the same dating goals and ideals as me, and me and her have this connection that is just like.... well I can't even explain it. And sweetheart, I *PROMISE* that the next time you walk in on us, I won't cover anything up. I will give you a great display of myself&my goodies,then look you straight in the eye, and ask you why your clothes are still on. Yeah, it may be a little awkward since I have always had little sister status, but I think once you get in the mix of things you will forget all about my relatives. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-20T01:52:13-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/726200477.html I was the girl your wife was going down on when you came home - w4m text Rant of a copy girl http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725756615.html Rant of a copy girl I make copies for a living. Black and white, color, oversize. I also laminate, bind, staple, 3-hole punch, fold, and any other various "copy girl" duties. I understand that alot of people can not identify with the job of a copy girl, because its a combination of waitress/cashier. I wait on you and then you pay. Need copies? Here are some rules to follow and things to avoid. Please bear with me as I have had a particularly annoying day so I am a bit more pissed off than I am on a regular day. I make copies for a living, I never said I could spell or use correct grammar. Just giving you a warning. 1. If you come to me 30 minutes before we close and need 10,000 fliers printed, its not going to happen. Don't tell me that it can. A machine can print 60 copies a minute. There are 60 minutes in an hour. 60x60=3,600 copies an hour. So as you can see, it will take over 2 hours to do that. (I have never been good at math, hence my being a copy girl, so my figures could be off--but you get the point.) 2. When I make a mistake, I pay for it. If you told me to make the copies 2 sided and I did not, I will apologize and correct the problem. You will not be charged for my mistake. However, if you are a fucking dumb ass and can not read the directions on the machine where it says "place copy in upper left hand corner--press start" and you put it in the upper right hand corner and press start...Well, you will pay for those copies and I reserve the right to call you a fucktard under my breath. Its only fair. 3. Ok, so you need 5 quick copies. Easy, in and out. So why on earth do you and 3 of your friends all need to pile out of the car and come in? You all get out, come in, watch me make the copies, and then 30 seconds later you all leave the store. How many douche nozzles does it take to make a copy? 4. If you don't understand how to use the self serve machines--ASK. That's what I am here for, to help. Why waste 5 minutes of your time staring at the machine like its some foreign object? To go along with item number 2, if you stand there and put your 50 pages in the auto feed face down (when it reads in big bold letters FACE UP) I will again call you a name and make you pay for them. 5. I get it, you need your copies and you need them quick. Like I said earlier, the machine only goes so fast. When I tell you the job will take about an hour, that is your cue to go get some coffee or do another errand and come back. When you proceed to stand at the counter and stare at me the whole time, you are not helping. Your not mind tricking the machine into going any faster. The only thing you are doing is pissing me off. I will probably gyp you on copies if you do this. 6. I've done this job for a long time. I know what I am doing. If I tell you that when you laminate that concert ticket it will turn black, I mean it. So, when you proceed to tell me you have done it before and it will be fine, you just look like a jack ass when I do it and it does in fact turn black. Still, you proceed to get mad at me. I know you have a small penis, but don't take your inadequacies out on the copy girl. 7. No your nasty ass snot nosed kids can not come behind the counter. Neither can you. Its not cute when little Jimmy is playing hide and seek and runs behind the counter. It will be cute when he chops off his cute little arm with the industrial cutter we have back here though. And you? Would you go to MacDonald's and order something and then go follow them behind the counter as they microwave your burger? NO. Don't do it to me. Again, I know what the fuck I am doing. Let me do it so I can get you the hell out of here. 8. Oh, you need a receipt for that 5 cent copy? No you don't. I will punch you in the face if you ask. 9. The prices for basic items are located on the door, on the counter, on the big fucking pricing board on the wall, and in the brochers we have. So when you ask me to make you 1,000 color copies, I am going to do it. If you don't ask me the price, I assume you know. Do you go to the McDonald's (I am hearting the McDonald's references today) drive thru and order a number 6 and then when they tell you the total say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much'? NO. You don't. You would be a piece of fuck if you did that. So when you look at me and say "Oh my, I didn't know it was going to be that much" I will just stare at you waiting for my money. McDonald's might be able to sell that burger, fries, or coke to another person. I probably wouldn't be able to sell your copies of 'The Everything Asparagus Cook Book' to the freakiest of freaks--And yes, someone really does come in here and make copies of that cook book. Its like 300 pages long and even includes asparagus ice cream....But anyhow, I am getting off of my rant. 10. I can not copy that book for you. I mean, physically I can, but legally--well, its illegal. Do you know what copyright is? It means, its not yours to copy without permission. Also there is a list of things that are illegal to color copy, such as money and drivers license. I realize that maybe you don't know that, but I just fucking told you. So now you know. Asking me why not just makes me want to kick your ass. 11. This is not an auto dealership. You can not try and bargain the price down. Why someone would do that is beyond what I could think up. We have a price list. We go down in price the more you get. What don't you understand? 12. When you hand me your shitty papers to be copied, don't say "don't read that information, its private." Well sir, I really did want to read your letter to your girlfriend about your infatuation with fucking sheep because it fascinates me to no end--But since you asked so nicely, I will try ever so hard to tear myself away from reading about whatever piece of shit it is that you are copying. I don't give a fuck if you are copying pictures of a dildo hanging out of your ass. I could care less. I just want to take your money. Ok, I feel much better. Thanks for listening CL....One more tip. If you are one of the people who doesn't act like a socially retarded fucker, I will remember that. I will give you a cheaper price, or give you 10 extra copies of your flier for your lost kitty kat. Meow. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T15:10:43-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725756615.html Rant of a copy girl text The 2008 Craigslist M4M Dictionary http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725415358.html *Swimmers Build: Term used to describe the physique of someone who has probably never swam a lap or played organized sports in his life. Generally means "Im not fat, but Im not ripped and muscular, and so I must have a swimmers build". *Beefy (aka husky, cub, bear): Fat ass. The prevalence of these people are the reason you can never find size 30 slacks in a department store. *Jock: Someone who tries very hard to be manly but probably is deathly afraid of sports and anything physical outside of the Castro steamroom and the Berkeley Steamworks. Most men who actually do play sports would refer to themselves as "athletic". *Str8 (aka Str8 Acting): Man who lives in a parallel universe where jonesin' for cock is not considered gay. Deludes himself with "Pump my ass and work my dick, boy. Its cool because Ive got a GF". These men are a bane to those who are honest about their sexuality. *Girlfriend (aka GF, wife): A fictitious creature alleged to be had by many men in M4M. GFs are most commonly known to be "asleep", "shopping" or "out of town". Discussion of the GF is intended to bolster intrigue, as in "Cool, this dude usually fucks chicks but now he wants me" among gay men with low self-esteem. *8X5 cut: A circumcised penis that is 6 inches long and about 4 inches in circumference. *PNP (aka Party and Play): Term used to describe the combination of a drug binge (usually crystal meth or T) and sex. Emphasis is usually on the "party", as this is usually used as a low-grade form of prostitution and participants usually will have a hard time performing sexually. Synonymous with transmission of sexual diseases. *Vers/Top: Person who wishes to convey the illusion that you will actually get yours without having to jack off on your own. May suck your dick poorly for about 30 seconds before becoming a greedy sex pig. *Married: Deluded man who is intent on ruining not only his own life, but the life of a spouse and possible children through his patent dishonesty. So hot! *BB (aka Bareback, Raw, Natural): "I have diseases that will probably kill me and you, but I don't care because I'm on a death trip and want to live for the moment until I become poz and have to take meds". *Poz (aka HIV+): Man who deserves a medal for being honest about his potential to transmit a dangerous virus and is generally looking to have sex with other poz guys. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-19T10:35:43-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/725415358.html The 2008 Craigslist M4M Dictionary text Ultra Hip Hipster Bar for Your Fixie - steel is real! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/715505172.html Make your already hip hipster ride hipper with these ultra hip short bars. 13.5cm across which is enough room for a babies hand or a little less than half an Oury grip. Steel bar. 110mm, 1" threadless, 10 degree rise stem. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-06-10T19:00:22-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/715505172.html Ultra Hip Hipster Bar for Your Fixie - steel is real! text Open apology to unintentional voyeur in Santa Cruz http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/673142557.html I wish to apologize to the unfortunate hippy girl who witnessed a most disturbing event on Tuesday evening near the parking structure on Front and River street. You saw me bent over, clutching a dumpster with both hands, while a six foot-plus tranny stood directly behind me. Fortunately for you, the dumpster obscured your view, thereby sparing you most of the unpleasantness. I imagine you were left to wonder exactly what nefarious deeds were happening beyond your field of view. You may have surmised that I was being mugged, frisked by the vice squad, on the receiving end of a very unique quickie, or even raped... but I assure you this was not the case. To satiate your curiosity, what you didn't see involved me with my pants around my ankles while the aforementioned tranny delivered a series of blows to my exposed backside. Those blows were so masterfully delivered that you must have heard each one sharply reverberate off the parking structure's concrete walls. For your sake, let's hope you put two and two together, rather than ran with the absolute worst case scenario in your imagination. Interestingly enough, you seemed curious and made no effort to avert your gaze. I commend you for that. We locked eyes for a few moments. Mine were filled with both the fear of being caught and the excitement of being watched. Due to the distance involved and my painful distractions, I couldn't quite read your expression... but I imagine it involved either disgust, intense curiosity, or simple Santa Cruz bemusement for all things weird. I hope you were able to sleep that night while pondering the ugly possibilities. In my defense, let me say that I've never done this sort of thing before, and I was merely following orders. And yes... I enjoyed it immensely and have every intention of repeating and diversifying these semi-public spectacles. For my money, it's more entertaining than watching a homeless guy take a dump on the sidewalk. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-08T13:01:48-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/673142557.html Open apology to unintentional voyeur in Santa Cruz text Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/672031640.html I've been trying to think of ways to spice up my life. I'm 35 years old, happily married with two kids and I have a good job in insurance. But somethings missing. I feel like I'm old before my time. I need to inject some excitement into my daily routine through my arm before its too late. I need a challenge, something to get the adrenaline pumping again. An addiction would be nice, but, in short, I need a nemesis. I'm willing to pay $350 up front for you services as an arch enemy over the next six months. Nothing crazy. Steal my parking space, knock my coffee over, trip me when Im running to catch the BART and occasionaly whisper in my ear, "Ahha, we meet again". That kind of thing. Just keep me on my toes. Complacency will be the death of me. You need to have an evil streak and be blessed with innate guile and cunning. You should also be adept at inconsicuous pursuit. Evil laugh preferred. Send me a photo and a brief explanation why you would be a good nemesis. British accent preferred. <ul> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests <li> Compensation: $350 up front </ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-05-07T14:49:20-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/672031640.html Nemesis required. 6-month project with possibilty to extend text A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html I'm not. I know that I seem to be more of child bearing age than cancer producing age, and I know that my newly flat chest due to a recent double mastectomy makes my belly protrude and makes me look preggers. I'm not. I know also that, despite eating healthfully and exercising a ton, the roids and the hormone therapy I've had the pleasure to experience are to thank for the nice round tummy growing before my eyes. Hell, even I tend to think I look pregnant. But I'm not. Yes, I realize too that I tend to wear a lot of empire waist and babydoll dresses these days, further adding to the "pregnant look". but frankly, since most of my pants hide in fear when I approach them in the closet, these dresses are a much better option. I'm flattered that maybe you think I'm "glowing". I guess 25 rounds of radiation will do that. But please, PLEASE, unless you see my water breaking, don't ask me "Is it a boy or a girl?". Um, it's tamoxifen, thanks for asking. I don't want to have to blurt out the truth any more than you want to hear it. But frankly, I'm tired of trying to make you feel better about your dumb mistake. Now, I just answer, "NOPE. It's cancer. Bellies look bigger when you've had your breasts removed." Sorry. I know you're probably driving home feeling stupid. Good. And of course, the irony that you'll never know, is that I probably won't EVER be pregnant, thanks to all this lovely crap. Don't you know that you never, unless you're absolutely sure, ask a woman if she's pregnant? You just don't. Ok, maybe if she's got her legs up in the air, is panting like a race horse, and someone with a surgical mask is yelling "PUSH" at her. But even then, you should really be sure before you ask. And for god's sake, please, please PLEASE don't pat my belly. It's just fat and it's really embarassing when you do that. So unless you literally see a baby's head poking out of my vagina, please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. I kicked cancer's ass. I can certainly kick yours. Thanks. PS - To be fair, I should mention that I am somewhat flattered that people think I might actually be having sex.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-30T10:13:15-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/624032499.html A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant. text Happy fifth anniversary! http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Has it really been five years already? Wow, time really flies with the distractions of life. So many things going on that sometimes its pretty easy to forget about you. I remember way back when you were projected to be this little $50-60 billion "conflict." But my how youve grown! Its hard to believe that now youre projected total cost is $3 trillion... thats a lot of zeros! Your ability to suck all the resources of this nation is quite something. The infrastructure of our nation is suffering in innumerable ways because of the lack of available money. It will likely take near an entire generation to recover from you... whenever you stop. And how do we even recover from the human losses and tragedies? You know damn well weve created another generation of mentally ill war vets, just like those from Vietnam we all see wandering the streets of our major cities. Over 200,000 have applied for disability benefits. Then theres the 3990 fatalities in the US forces, and by extension 3990 families that have been changed forever. So many of them seem to be young parents. I dont want to forget the other 308 coalition deaths, the 29,314 US wounded, or countless Iraqi deaths and injuries. And by countless I mean countless. Nobody really knows. But since they started trying to keep track in 2005 there have been 47,000 fatalities. So war, I really think its about time you and I went our seperate ways. I dont think I can handle another year of you. But to be realistic I know how tricky it can be to end these kind of dysfuctional realtionships, so Ill just hope that next year at this time well both have moved on and have started the healing process. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-19T13:20:17-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/611682001.html Happy fifth anniversary! text Fixed Gear Death Trap http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html I'm selling a complete fixed gear. It is totally ready to ride and will probably kill you. I pushed it into a bike shop recently to have the rear wheel trued. At the bottom of my receipt it read, 'My advice, get a new bike.' So, I am. And maybe you are too! He was reserved enough not to use the words 'death' or 'trap,' but I'm not! The frame is probably an old Raleigh that could have been worth something. It's rattlecanned and chipping rapidly. The paint is almost completely gone where my car's bike rack grips. There are, however, parts of the bike that are still entirely painted. Looking a little deeper, the headset is completely fucked. Unless you can ride a unicycle, you can't ride this bike with no hands. I'm expecting something terrible to happen in the headset in the next few rides that will pitch me onto the pavement. For the right price, this could be you! Also, the pedals were never supposed to house toe cages. So, the cages are kind of ruined and inoperable. Sometimes when I'm skidding, my front foot will almost slip out and I'll get all wobbly before righting myself. During these moments, my eyes are usually plate-wide with terror. This could be your terror! There are still front and rear brakes installed, because it was always kind of a half-assed conversion. These could definitely be removed, though. The bike shop guy even tightened up the rear brakes for me. You could be the only fixie rider in SF with fully functional rear brakes. But the brake cables are also completely shot, so I wouldn't count on it. The handlebar tape is falling off and one of the plugs is missing. Also, I don't remember what kind of cranks are on it but the pedals are super long. Every now and then when you're riding they slam off the ground and get more ruined. Again, there's some aspect of terror here. The gear ratio is 52/20. The rear tire is flat and the Presta valve is broken off. This bike is what my brother affectionately refers to as a 'time bomb.' Why? Because there's no track hub or cog. Actually, there's a freewheel with loctite in it. So far, I've been able to learn how to ride fixed on this setup without it falling apart. But someday it will. And when it does, someone is going to get fucking screwed. I paid $80 for it 8 months ago in Buffalo. Considering we're in San Francisco, the asking price is $350. I think that's only fair. <img src=608546617.1.jpg> <img src=608546617.1.jpg>  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-16T18:33:11-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/608546617.html Fixed Gear Death Trap text Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html OK this is long but only because of all the nonsense I went through posting this ad last week and dealing with people that want me to deliver and stack it for them for free. Or want to spend an hour on the phone with me, or provide them a map, or help load or or or Look its simple. I have tons literally tons of good firewood to get rid of. It has been aged through three winters and is peak for burning now. It is all Eucalyptus. The rounds range in length from roughly sixteen inches to roughly twenty-four inches. The rounds range in diameter to what one person can handle to very large needing two or even three men to handle. You need a log splitter! Dont call to tell me you dont have a splitter and will be right over! They rent these things here in Novato its no big deal. You also need a wheelbarrow or be ready to walk back and forth a lot because you cant park any closer to the wood than maybe seventy feet. So it is much easier if you have a wheelbarrow. You can access the wood anytime without appointment really. I dont need to know you are on the way, or that first you have to buy your kids some pizza. I dont need to know anything. Its free wood get it? Im giving it away not looking for a relationship. If you dont want to do some work for the free wood thats perfectly fine with me just go read some other ad. I dont mind really. And the only thing I ask is that you dont make a mess of the area. Thats what I am trying to do is clean it up. So take as much as you like, and leave things in good shape. Last night I watched somebody haul away easily five hundred bucks worth of wood in less than an hour and I have twenty times that amount left. So it really can be done. The only other thing you need is location, which I will provide if you contact me. I dont want to meet your mother! And I dont respond to earthlink addresses with that stupid spam quiz. Everything in this ad is all you need to know. I hope your cancer goes into remission and the orphans forgive you. <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul> webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-12T12:26:05-07:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/604068203.html Firewood - good well seasoned and lots of it text Anti-atheist Backlash on R&amp;R http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/596568636.html I've noticed a recent trend on Rants and Raves where certain Christian posters are attacking atheists while strangely choosing to ignore all other brands of non-Christians. Why is this? Are these armchair disciples more concerned about saving an atheist's soul than that of a Buddhist, Hindu, Jew, or Muslim? Sounds fairly selective to me. I think I know what's going on here... These people aren't attacking all non-Christians because they can at least personally identify with somebody else's belief; regardless of whether or not they agree with it. They are allies in the same sense that members of two opposing armies can feel a comradery with one other. Rather, it is the non-belief of atheists that bothers them. These people have faith so thoroughly engrained in their lives that to see somebody without a trace threatens them. They simply cannot conceive of somebody not believing in a deity of some sort. The idea is completely foreign to them, and therefore menacing. It forces them to evaluate their own beliefs. They become defensive and attack because the things they hold intrinsically and unquestionably sacred are being challenged by the mere philosophical position of another. Most atheists do not "believe" that god does not exist. Rather, they dismiss it as a possibility due to a complete lack of evidence. Otherwise, they'd have to entertain the possibility of believing in anything and everything... which is the essential problem of agnosticism. Therefore, it does not take faith to be an atheist. If the evidence changes, then most would certainly be reasonable enough to revaluate their positions. Until then, the existence of god is simply a non-issue for them. Some theists have decried this materialistic position, but without much real avail. What possibilities are we losing if we only believe in things that leave evidence behind? Ghosts, leprechauns, fairies and gods... everything in the realm of the superstitious, but nothing else. I can comfortably live with that; just as a Christian can comfortably live with the idea of worshipping Jehovah but not Shiva. They accuse atheists of leading selfish, corrupt, and immoral lives without fear of consequences. They accuse atheists of lacking moral codes. This is, of course, irrational, fear-mongering nonsense. Today's atheist is not a self-indulgent modern Caligula or a Stalin. Today's atheist is not a socially maladjusted anarchist who lives their lives without fear of retribution. According to a 1997 statistic, only 0.209% of prisoners incarcerated in the United States identify as atheists. Since atheists currently represent roughly 14% of the overall U.S. population, this is a significant indicator of the "morality" of the modern atheist. Today's atheist tends to be a well-educated, productive member of society who more often than not subscribes to the notions of moral relativism and secular humanism... which essentially means that we realize we're all stuck on this big ball together and we must work to set aside our differences and build a better future, because it's all that there is. That doesn't sound at all like the monstrous picture that's recently been smeared here by certain self-proclaimed loving Christians. These rabid believers clash with atheists knowing perfectly well that they are helpless to alter the ideological perceptions of their perceived foe. Why then, do they choose to partake of this exchange of bad blood? Because they're angry and they're frightened. They're angry because we have the nerve to indirectly challenge their insecurely-held beliefs with our continued existence. They're frightened because they fear that they're losing their foothold on the theocratic monopolization of America (school prayer, Christian-oriented legislature, etc.)... an officially secular country, mind you. Lashing out, spreading lies and misconceptions, and demonizing the enemy is a natural way to react to opposition; however contrary to the teachings of their professed lord and savior. Any anti-atheist backlash you're witnessing here is simply the result of reactionary mean-spiritedness, and nothing more. The misinformation is a sign of desperation. I suppose they believe what they're saying is true in the same sense that many Muslim fundamentalists believe that America is directly in league with the devil. Feeling "right" about the subjective tends to breed violent paranoia when challenged. Mind the danger in that whatever you choose to believe. I can't say that some atheists aren't guilty of the same indiscretion, but it's a generalization to categorize all atheists this way just as it's a generalization to categorize all Christians as rabid fundamentalists. I've been careful to avoid doing so here, despite the disrespect shown us by some members of the Christian community. Personally, I'm a firm believer in live-and-let-live. I believe Christ was too. I don't attack others for their beliefs. I don't even ask that others question their beliefs. Everyone has a right to decide what they hold dear. I don't write slanderous, inaccurate or inflammatory material about adherents of any religion. But I do defend my positions, because I hold them dear. I find it completely abhorrent that those who attack mine do so under the protective woolen guise of love and fellowship. It allows them to appear to hold the upper hand while hitting below the belt. The atheist in America is already a misunderstood and hated underdog, and people tend to ignore the callous disregard they are often shown by these "gentle lambs of God." Were it not for atheists being their current preferred cannon fodder, I'm certain these unyielding fanatics would be baring their claws and coming for you other non-Christians and moderates next. Watch your step.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-03-05T12:11:04-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/596568636.html Anti-atheist Backlash on R&amp;R text You, the waiter in the castro...... http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/589399345.html So there we were, coming in to eat at your establishment. You, my oh-so perfect little queen waitron were almost but not quite able to hide your dismay at this odd group of people. I mean, really, at least three of us were clearly from somewhere in the midwest. Given that three of us were also obviously dykes, or at least local weirdoes, you might have caught on that we were entertaining visitors. But no, you struggled masterfully, albeit unsuccessfully, to hide your disdain for our friends from Ohio. Your undertone snide comments were not unnoticed, my friend. Next time, make those comments while you're in the kitchen. Saying things like "you people are horrible" in a perky bright voice is bad form, to say the least. Fucking unforgivably rude is more like it. For your information, miss i'm-too-young-to-remember-the-plague-years, that ancient (over 50) woman from Ohio who ordered too much food and was loud and annoying to you comes out here to meet up with us because we took care of her son while he was dying a dozen years ago. The same son she drove to New York so he could attend the first year of Harvey Milk High. The same son she came out to once he was 16. The son who died a month before his 22nd birthday. She's been at the forefront of what passes for a gay rights movement in Ohio, and has stood up so that pathetic little twinks like you can walk down the street in your aberzombie and felch uniforms and hold hands. And even with what you acted like, she still tipped you 20%, because she remembers her son working in a similar restaurant, and his struggles with money. Next time someone who doesn't fit your personal tastes comes into your restaurant, perhaps you might try some compassion, or even just some human respect. Remember the word diversity? It applies to you and your tiny narrow mind as well.  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> Location: a broader perspective <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-27T19:51:48-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/589399345.html You, the waiter in the castro...... text Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/588037045.html Dear Hipster Record Store Clerk, Thank you for judging me on the CD I bought yesterday. Our passive-aggressive altercation made me realize how conformist I am for buying an old Rage Against The Machine album. Your condescension was just the intellectual wake-up call I needed. I discovered a new me yesterday, and my eyes were opened in a new way. Thanks to you, I realize now that the key to enlightenment is reading Pitchfork, watching High Fidelity, listening to Velvet Underground, having a tattoo of a star on the inside of my wrist, growing an ironic mustache, living in the Mission, and wearing a too-small sweater, multi-colored 70s ski-vest, chunky plastic-frame glasses, a high school sports T-shirt, air-tight black jeans, and Nixon-era Chuck Taylors. I had it all wrong, man. You showed me that a skilled job and a comfortable living is just a lie. I need to go to art school, have my parents pay my rent, join a Joy Division-influenced band, and wait for a record deal, like you. Im totally missing out in life. So thanks again for mocking me. I mean, at first I thought you were just a pathetic, frustrated musician trying to feel better about yourself. But now I see youre an uncompromising visionary. No one will ever understand you. Youre so different. Signed, Everyone Not Like You  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-26T17:25:12-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/588037045.html Thanks, Mr.Hipster Record Store Clerk. text You: "There's a boy!"; Me: "Thank you"; 19th and Valencia. - m4w http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/574663209.html Hiya. We just had that exchange (in the posting title) about thirty minutes ago. I was the guy with the short brown hair and beard wearing a Navy peacoat (how do you spell that?), and you were the girl who was trying to console her friend (I suspect) over the fact that all men had been seduced and yanked off the streets by the horror that is "Single Person's Awareness Day" (a.k.a. "Valentine's Something-or-Other"). I'd just like to say: HOLY BUCKETS ARE YOU CUTE. Like cute enough that thirty minutes later I'm posting here when I could be doing laundry, or making ravioli, or watching one of the many fine syndicated programs available nowadays. But, no, I'm posting for you. BUT WAIT. I am not a stalker (well, there's that ONE restraining order, but I'm so OVER that), creep, perv (well, not much, and in ways that are legal in most of the States in the Union), loon, drowning lonely soul, ex-felon or actuarial accountant. Allow me to provide a brief transcript of our meeting: (Hey, that Restraining Order thing was a joke. No, really) YOU: (pointing into that Mediterranean Place at 19th and Valencia): There's a boy! YOUR FRIEND: [inaudible - I can't hear for shit - let's assume it was Scripture, y'know, for giggles.] YOU: (pointing at ME): THERE'S A BOY! (emphasis added by me, because this is my post, that's why). ME: Thank you! You: SEE YOU ON MISSED CONNECTIONS. (emphasis added by me because - goddamn - if there was a better invitation for this than that, it would have to be - like - surreptitiously tatooing something on the back of my hand or on my forehead or something.) OH HO! Do you see my point? You literally called me out on this. So I reiterate: HOLY BUCKETS ARE YOU EVER CUTE. And I think (Q.E.D., see above) that I am not actually being creepy in posting this. So, if I'm not too ancient, or too much like someone who - uh, walks home at night - because that's approximately all you know about me, throw me a "hello". Also, if you're either engaged or married, if you don't think I could take your significant other in a fight, spare us both the headache (newsflash - I can't take him in a fight, not even if he's in an iron lung). p.s. Your pic gets several dozen coupons for approx. $.50 off of each bottle of Dasani OR Arrowhead Bottled Water (I have pics of myself, but, you know, the material can often be more enticing than the aesthetic). p.p.s. That last post-script was a complete lie, I don't think I've saved a single coupon for anything, and I apologize, but cruel children from my elementary school and indifferent parents left me with a feeling I have to overcompensate. Please forgive me. p.p.p.s.: Just so you know, my name is Scott. I just pathologically need to get that out of the way, because otherwise I might set myself on fire. No, seriously, that is such a hurdle for me.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-02-15T00:34:00-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/574663209.html You: "There's a boy!"; Me: "Thank you"; 19th and Valencia. - m4w text Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/540076210.html For Sale - beautiful pink "vagina couch" that I made in art school and no longer have space for. The couch is large: measures 5' 3" long, 3' 3" wide at the middle, and stands 2' 3" tall (and is heavy like a couch). The pics are from my portfolio and are several years old; as a result, the couch has some scuffmarks and stains around the bottom from being moved, but otherwise is in excellent shape. A professional upholsterer helped me build the couch, so it is also functional and durable as a piece of furniture. The couch must be picked up in Mendocino, a 3-hour drive north of SF. I am asking for $600 and a loving home! Call Willow at [deleted] or reply to posting. <img src="540076210.1.jpg"> <img src="540076210.2.jpg"> <img src="540076210.3.jpg">  <ul class="blurbs"> <li> This item has been posted by-owner. <li> Location: Mendocino, Northern Cal <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-15T11:46:40-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/540076210.html Pink Upholstered Vagina Couch text CROC HEAD IN DOLORES PARK (C4M) http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/535102720.html U: WM, handsome, light beard Me: stiff, thin, green I was checking out the view from our spot in the bushes and saw you walking away. Wanted to shout to you but have no lower jaw or lungs. Would like to keep in touch, but mostly wanted to tell you I enjoyed our time together. hope you see this ad.   <ul class="blurbs"> <li> it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests</ul>  webmaster@craigslist.org 2008-01-10T17:00:36-08:00 Copyright 2008, craigslist.org http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/535102720.html CROC HEAD IN DOLORES PARK (C4M) text Star Wars Guide to the Candidates http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/sfo/526482501.html <h3>Hello America! As you may know, 2008 is going to be a g-rate year. I am so excited! There is to be a presidential election this year! Hoo-ray! Exciting times, exciting times. And whoa... so confusing! So much talking, so much anal-yzing, so much research to do to be sure the person who wins your vote truly reflects your values and goals for the executive of this g-rate nation. Man, it's going to be tough. Well, this is for those of you who say "To heck with that!" and are more interested in voting for a candidate based on snap judgments and small pop culture sound bites. For those of you who think it might be fun to vote somewhat randomly and therefore completely obliterate the careful work of concerned and involved citizens... I mean really, look how Bush turned out... can you really expect these people to act predictably based on what they say in the election cycle? Heck no! So without further a-doo-doo, here is your </h3> <center> <h1>Mighty Rex Star Wars Guide to The Candidates</h1></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/mccain.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/vader1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/mccain0508.jpg" style="width:150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>"My friends..."</center></td><td><center>"Luke...."</center></td><td><center>"JOIN ME!!"</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Darth McCain</h2></center><h3>I had to get this one out of the way right from the top, because I know some of you were thinking "Hey, Vader being a powerful black man..." but NO! You need to drop those stereotypes, mister! Obama isn't remotely like Vader, and besides, as we learned in Episode VI, Vader was a cracker! Heavily scarred by traumatic experiences, torture, manipulation, the 2000 Republican primaries... he has the reputation of a "maverick"... remember the arbitrary slaughter of Imperial officers? the offer to Luke to join him? <center><img src="star_wars/vadernluke.jpg" style="width:200px"></center> ...but Darth McCain ultimately serves the Emperor, voting with him almost every time. McCain could be redeemed someday, but only by succumbing to Force Lightning and tossing the Emperor into a pit... something he has thus far refused to do. Let's stay in Iraq... err... Tatooine... forever!</h3><center> <img src="star_wars/mccain_bush.jpg" style="width:150px"> <h1> onward! </h1> <table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/hansolo2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Edwards2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><img src="star_wars/edwards.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/HanSolo.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>J'han Solo</h2></center><h3>Umm... Edwards... ahhh, health care, faster withdrawal from Iraq than uhhh... didn't he play the president in Air Force One? ummm.... He'll stand up to the Hutt business interests... uhhhh... Goddamn, he's pretty. Quick, lock him in a sheet of Carbonite so I can hang him on my wall.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/AckbarStanding.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/richardson2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Admiral Akbar</center></td><td><center>Richardsomething</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Admiral Akbill</h2></center><h3>Man, I tell you what... you read Admiral Akbar's resume, take a look at his long career, his credentials, and it's amazingly clear how qualified he is to run a major government. What about his prescient snap evaluation... "It's a trap!" We sure could have used that in Iraq. Well-suited to command, noble, respected by his followers and his peers... but then, Akbar is from a place most people don't care about (Mon Calamari? Are you serious?) and looks vaguely ethnic... is he, I don't know... too fishy to be prez? Anyway, he deserves your vote. Who this Richardson cat is, I have no idea.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/rush-limbaugh.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Jabba.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Limbba the Hutt</h2> <h3>Oops, my bad, not a candidate. Sorry!</h3></center> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/giuliani2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/tarkin-1.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><center>Ur Question?</center></td><td><center>Shh! 9/11!</center></td></tr></table> <h2>Grand Moff Giuliani</h2></center><h3>We need a president who has experience running a large, unwieldy government. Like the Empire. "Hey, they said it was unmanageable, ungovernable... a large majority wanted to leave and live somewhere else," his campaign ads say. Well, Giuliani certainly turned things around... he built the Death Star! "By the time I left office," he continues, "the Death Star was the best example of conservative government in the galaxy!" Some folks might disagree with his foreign policy, though, consisting as it does of pretty much blasting whole planets into rubble.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/gravel.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/chewbaccalg-785685.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Whobacca</h2></center><h3>Mrrrrrawwwwkkk!!!! Gronnnnkkkk!!! Mrran... wua ga ma uma ahuma ooma. "Whobacca?!?!"... GRONK! "Gravelbacca!!!" Hnn-rowr yrroonn nng rarrr!</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/romney.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/luke2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Mitt Skywalker</h2></center><h3>Not quite as pretty as J'han Solo. But pretty. Kind of like how Aragorn was never quite as pretty as Legolas, except different. Anyway, Mitt's biggest appeal is that he's the likeable doofus scampering around the galaxy in search of himself, always haunted by the spectre of his father. On the downside, he's so conflicted it's hard to know where his true allegiances lie... he's infatuated with his own twin sister, he listens to apparitions of old men, he preaches religious tolerance... but only for those who believe in The Force. Sort of gives the impression he's been knocked off his Tauntaun a few too many times.</h3> <center><table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/Luke.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/Romney2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h1> onward! </h1> <table border="2"><tr><td><img src="star_wars/obama.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/leia3.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr><tr><td><img src="star_wars/leiaceremony.gif" style="width: 150px"></td><td><img src="star_wars/barack-obama-2.jpg" style="width: 150px"></td></tr></table> <h2>Princess Leia Orbama of Alderaan, IL</h2></center><h3>A young idealist constantly criticized for her "inexperience", Senator Leia Orbama once faced down Lord Vader with "Darth Vader. Only you could be so bold... and so stupid." Pwned! Ultimately might make a good team with J'han Solo, if they can get past their differences of opinion. Orbama shows pragmatism, thoughtfulness, and excellent presentation at official ceremonies, and yet can be a ruthless tactician